Funk Part Two 5-7-16 7:56
Part 2 I guess…it still hurts. So I’ve been trying to get out of my stupid funk today. And it’s not working. I usually give myself parameters and say “ok this is the amount of time you have – work through it – and you’ll be ok.” And it’s not working this time so thta must mean I’m in extreme grief. Which means I need to figure something else out. I hate feeling this way I like to feel happy and I like to laugh and make other people laugh and enjoy things because life brings its own sorrows.
But you know what there’s a time for laughter and a time for sorrow and this is one of those times. I just don’t want to lose anybody else. You know, when I say I love you, it’s really not bull crap. I really mean it and I don’t know how it is that I have the capacity to love so deeply and to love so many. And there’s risks that come with that. But I do, I really do and it’s a hard thing to do but there’s so many people that aren’t loving others these days, somebody’s got to do it, right? It seems to work with my personality really well.
Although, after I went through that horrible thing at the church, I vowed that I was never ever again going to love anybody openly like that. That was like a heaven thing. I was like, “Well you know what? I’ll wait to do that. I’ll just do my job here, do whatever I gotta do, go home and that’s it.” But guess what? I couldn’t. God had other plans for me and he’s just pryed open my heart and made me love others. Especially one. So you know, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I hate using that expression because it’s so cliche, but
it’s true. It really did and I still can’t to this day explain it. It’s just there.
And granted, I guess I am grateful how this person was used in my life to prove and show that I can and could love other people after being hurt so deeply. But you know, what was the point? It just doesn’t seem like it’s ending right. So of course I’m gonna be sad. And I thought, “Oh well, maybe when I get older and time goes on that I wouldn’t hurt so much losing somebody. You get used to it because you’re older and you get used to things.” No. The older I got the more I loved. And so I couldn’t keep myself from hurting
no matter what I would do.
And no matter what I would do it would be in vain because you can’t keep yourself from loving somebody. Sometimes you don’t know why you do, you just do. And sometimes you can say oh well it’s because this person is like this and that and they’ve enraptured my heart. And sometimes you’re like, “They aggrevate the hell outta me but I love them to pieces.” And sometimes that’s the greatest love of all, right? Isn’t it easier to love lovely people than it is to love people who for whatever reason, they’re not always lovely
and you know, they have hurts too. So the greater love that would be, right? I suppose…so I’m working through all of this and I’m hoping to have a resolution for myself, but I really want to find another
place to live though.
I’m ready for it, I think we’re ready for it as a family too; to get out of here. To you know, do the next step in life, again. lol. We owned a beautiful house in Vegas. Oh my, I really loved it. I cant say that I miss it any more though. I was glad to get rid of it too at the same time because I knew it was time for us to do what we had to do. I feel guilty because trying to sell a home. That’s heart wrenching. Have you ever had to do that? Oh my gosh. And I felt like it was all my fault because you know, I had cancer. And we’re in between gigs, you know? When you’re an artist and working on films we didn’t have any kind of coverage, insurance coverage. So there you go.
Still a hard one to swallow but that was a while ago. 10 years ago. so…
The matters of the heart are always concerning for me. I really do care about people. Really. All these things that we have versus the human heart which is flesh. I don’t know, I think people are really great. Oh yeah there’s some idiots out there, there’s some weirdos, there’s some …yeah you get the whole mix. But even people who do unlovely things and who are difficult, and whatever, I still love them too. Gosh, I tend to fall in love with everybody.
And I don’t stay mad at people. I just don’t have it in me. That’s why I have my board. They are ferocious beasts. But anyway. Ok, I really need to be there for myself. I have one more video to make for the bfly and then I need to take care of myself for tomorrow. It’s a difficult day coming up. And go find your mom if she’s still here on the planet; go be with her go love on her. I wish I could do the same. Sending you my love, Bye…