Surviving Chrysalis 12-9-15 19:38
Ok so when we had that little exhange…and what was really interesting was, Somebody posted, on fb something that encouraged me. It said, “Some days it’s just hard, and if we don’t realize we cannot please everyone son as possible, we will waste our short life time stressed out and burned out when our window of opportunity to make a difference in another’s life whom really could use it and wants it is fleeting by! Just do what it takes with whatever pain or feed back you get, you will never regret it! A changed life and renewed mind and spirit is always worth the rejection and trouble others may push on you, especially when they were added to the kingdom.” (kingdom of god) by TJ So it was really weird because that whole exchange happened and then I received that. So what is this saying, this is encouraging me to not give up. Ultimately what it’s doing.
And then this was about 2 weeks later and I got this beautiful thing, sent to me and I’m
giving credit to who actually made this, it’s by Phil Goodlife. And that’s not who sent
it to me. It says, “Your time as a caterpillar ahs expired you wings are ready.” So to me
that said, ok it’s done, come on previous caterpillar come out your butterfly wings are ready so fly and no, this person didn’t fly. What I failed to realize was that…
Just because somebody’s wings are ready, does not mean that they’re gonna fly…they’re not ready to come out of chrysalis at all. We had butterflies, we raised them. We saw how that goes and if they’re not ready to spread their wings yet, they’re not going to. Oh but you can see their beautiful wings that’s just so frustrating, you’re like omg you’re so beautiful look at you I can see your wings. you know the chrysalis is transparent in most cases. So when I got that, Oh birthing time. No what it meant was this person was in their chrysalis. And what confirmed that for me that I was an amazing play that I saw in 2014.
And then I see this, lord what does this mean. I just want answers, I always
want answers. So I was looking and looking and I had no idea what is my answer. It was
in a play I saw, and this other person was there and it kinda freaked me it was so funny. But this person was talking about god and all these wonderful things. But this was also included in my program. And if Im not mistaken this was what they were talking about, we had arrived a little late so I had missed seeing my mentor’s piece they switched it around. Look at all these butterflies, so I see all these butterflies and that’s a sign for me I saw all these bflies when my mom died she went to heaven.
So Surviving Chrysalis. So then I put 2 and 2 together, Im like, no duh, this person isn’t born yet, they have their wings but they cant fly yet because they’re still in chrysallis, they kinda have to you know, inside the womb and if you take a chicken out of the oven before it’s done cooking you have a raw chicken and they aint ready to deal with anything. Well a chicken isnt going to deal with too much if you put it inside an over you’re gonna eat it so…are you laughing, I just realized that whole metaphor and analogy and example is kinda looney tunes so…but what Im saying is that every time I get these little symbols and signs Im like holy mother of god, when is this gonna finally be over. Because it’s hard on my end too. Im not doing anything wrong. But then I also got this beautiful email.
Now back it up, this goes before the Chrysalis play. This was November 11 2013 and I’m like, “So I’m going to be late coming to class because I’m doing another show.” Oh, this… I don’t know what this is. I don’t know. I was doing something else. And I was going to be late getting there. Oh now I remember. I was doing storm and I had this really intense makeup. Think Black Swan. I wasn’t copying Black Swan. Denise wanted me to do something really diffrent. People thought I was afraid to use makeup on my face or something like that. And she was like, “Let’s break the mold.” And I was like, “Okay sure.” I’ve worn crazy makeup before. I’m not vain or something like that. I don’t care. But she wanted me to try something new and exciting. SHe was like, “I got to see this.” And I said, Okay, I do to.” And I was going from that dress runthrough. And I had all of this intense makeup on. And that black makeup was supposed to be… I forgot which eye. I had it down so perfectly after awhile. Black thorns, like a mask coroding this person’s soul and taking over. Or you could also see it as goodness taking over and shrinking it. Either way it works. And it was called storm. One of the best solos I’ve ever done. I loved that. It was just vary strong, beautiful. And I wore my hair up back like this and most people don’t see me doing that and they’re like, Oh Noelle just dances with her hair. I don’t dance with my hair, what the hell is this? I don’t do that. I never did. So about this. I got this beautiful eamil in return. It was so nice. It was like, “Noelle, it’s no problem for you to be late on Thursday. Come on in as soon you are able.” And I got the comma and I got really nice response. So I’m like “Okay so what happened?” What made that response happen. I was like “Okay that sounds nice lets just keep doing that. Cause I’m not one for drama. I flipping hate it. And its not conduceive to my health at all. So then I was like what’s going on here? What just happened. And I’m like…Ohhh. I guess that email that I just read to you guys ….that was done and that might impressed upon her that I wasn’t trying to do something evil to her.
So I have questions, why is everything ok one day and not ok the next day. Oww-yay! You know from time to time I don’t know what the hell’s going on. So it’s instability and confusion and that comes from the enemy because all darkness comes from the pits of hell so I’m like ok, I need to ground myself because I know Im a person and believer in the lord so Im just gonna be loving and maintain my status quo. Eventhough I kinda go like this (gestures) you know when crazy people around you are going crazy it’s hard to keep being that strong person. So then I try and I try acting even more subdue and even more subdued, because when you have someone around you going crazy, the last thing you need to do is shoot up there with them. Just keep going and speak softer and softer. You don’t do it to get a rise out of them so they hate you or anything like that or not instigating anything; but you’re staying calm. So I have all these questions, it’s like some nights it’s ok and the next night it’s not. I don’t change, I’m the same person yesterday, today and tomorrow. I don’t know, I just don’t understand it. So anyway, I kinda thought when I heard your wings are ready, your wings are ready I’m like, ok go. Go–be…flying. Go do your thing spread those wings so I can go. Be the beautiful butterfly you were supposed to be please already. And so you know that was my impatience. I never let on I don’t think to that other person; you don’t want other people to know that you’re being impatient about developing. So I kinda just had to just chill and step back and separate myself. It was frustrating, very hard, Im like really already lord, what is it that Im not doing? Or is it just taking this long because this is how long it’s supposed to take? So now Im at the point c’est le vie. I cant do any more. I have done everything possible. I have loved beyond everything I know to do. I have…I can’t do anything more. And now Im at a place where I dont trust this person and I think this person is gonna sell me up the river and now I have the other people that were drug into this thanks to this person. Now I have to try to figure out how in the world do I protect A the person who does not like me and hates me and wants to see me dead and then how do I also protect myself? And then how do I also stand up for myself…you know what, it’s a hot bloody mess. This is a job for Superman. Or Super JC. Ok? This goes beyond my understanding at this point. And the more I try to figure out the harder it is for me to understand. All I know is that I need to not be crazy, I need to be very honest and truthful and report the facts as I see them. Not how I feel about them. Facts as I see them. And maybe someday this will all be explained to me. This isn’t even the half of it. I couldn’t have printed upo all those emails. Cause no joke. It was 8 inches of information. So it’s an inch a year. That’s nuts. It would make flipping hell of a book. My life. Amazing. A part of it is already in the silent rose and it’s so beautiful. But all this other stuff a- I’m in so much pain. that adds colors to it and the reasons why, I mean, this person probably has more information than I do which is totally unfair. Cause A, if they heard any of these things, they already have more information than I do because I’m being upfront and honest and saying, this is my commentary adn this is what I think is going on. And then they get to know my feelings. But I don’t get to know their feelings, their commentary, all I know is that I get treated by a piece of shit for no reason. So I’m like okay, are they reacting because they saw something and it’s the reality then? Or are they seeing something 3 days late and that’s not the reality any more and they’re catching up? Or maybe they’re not watching any of my videos at all and it’s just one big dmn coincidence. Or maybegod’s working on their hearts and I need to be patient. I dont know. This is where I guess and hope that somebody – somewhere – someday – is going to put all these broken pieces, they’re like shards that are like finite dust at this point in my life – to me I dont see how in tarnation any of this can be made sense of any more. You know, although I do think that Stepford Wives analogy that I gave that one time….is not too far from the truth. And because knowing….
Im getting nervous, do you see this? I used to play with my nightgown ribbons when I was a little girl because I would get nervous that somebody would come in and harm me. See, that’s what that abuse did to me. And now, when I get nervous, I start playing with things with my hands and freaking out. Im very nervous about this whole thing. Because a) I don’t want this other person to get hurt. I don’t wanna get hurt any more – Im kinda done with that and I kinda know my threshhold and really that’s about it. And I have no idea what’s going on and it’s so frustrating becuse I think a conversation could clear up a heck of a lot of stuff and I was threatened …I dont want this person to get fired. I cant even say. And dont worry about my well being, I’ll protect myself but Im more concerned about this other person’s well being but I have to protect myself and then I cant make it look like I care about this person because I get attacked even more and so does this other person. Now that is sick. That’s even more sick than what this person did to me. And if you think about this: “you cant be their friend”…how old do you think I am? Im not 2 trying to make some pre-school friend here. These people are lunatics. Im telling you. And if you get trapped up in their world and definitions, and their way of thinking, then you’ve already lost. You have to say, “You guys are looney tunes…” just keep saying that. Alright Im probably not making any sense at all Im just trying to figure this out I’m freaking out. I was doing much better the other night when I was just surrenduring to god and worshipping him. Now that you got to see me freak out a little bit, and now you know why it’s so important for us to be yielded unto the HS so we can stay calm. I do yoga too which so helps. I cant do triangle pose now, there’s no triangle happening–this is so painful. Im not going to be able to take yoga this week. yep anyhow. It’ll all be very interesting and worth it in the end. I dont have turrets, I’m in pain and every time I move a certain way it’s just like this sharp hideous pain. It just goes right through. I just really need to be alone with the lord and I need to stop doing this because my anger is gonna show and its going to read wrong and if this person sees all these things, they’re going to think something horrible. That I hate them. I don’t. I think they hate me. Like, wat me dead hate me. and it didn’t help that people that were close to this one person, actually told me that. So what am I supposed to think. And then I have all these people telling me that. Like, yeah I do believe it now. Especailly after this person behaves this way. You injure me, falsely accuse me of these things that you missunderstand things, you hurt me, probably take thing away from me like I was your child. I don’t need a mother. I had a mother and it didn’t work out for me. What am I going to do? I don’t want a mother. And I’m not your child. You’re not supposed to disipline me. We don’t have that kind of relationship. It’s just really weird. I just don’t know what to do anymore. But it will be over in less than two weeks. And then I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I’m going to go be with the lord. I’m going to pray. Don’t any of you be discouraged like I said, I’m the raw thing…you’re gonna see me how I really am. There’s no pretense. Imnot gonna pretend that everything is ok Im not gonna pretend to do anything. What you’re getting is what it is. But be encouraged, know that I understand what it’s like to get frustrated and be put in a place where it’s like what in the hell is going on and you dont understand; obviously because I’m telling you…to have pieces and not know what kind of picture you’re making or that the lord’s making. Im just kinda winging it and Im like “ok”…gotta trust that’s all I know. And maybe I should take a muscle relaxer? Or something I’m a nervous wreck right now. Im in so much pain, this is getting my goat. Ok I love you guys I really really do. MUAH!