About Rubans Rouges Dance Company

Rubans Rouges (roo ‘bon rooj), French for Red Ribbons founded in 2009 by dancer and choreographer: Noelle Rose Andressen.  READ BELOW about how the company was named.
Noelle merged her two artistic passions: dance & film on stage and screen with her contemporary modern dance company to develop a breakthrough piece: “Shattered Innocence (Red Ribbons)”. From there she has developed dance performance pieces with passion and theatrical artistry that explore the human condition through narrative story lines.

The spirit of Rubans Rouges can be seen in the lavish use of provocative lighting schemes, costume design and the artistic applications of scenery and props. The desire is to have dance pieces of high artistic value, and also be entirely accessible and enjoyable to the audience.

Mission: To have each audience member connect on several different levels to these creations; the mind to understand the intent, the heart to feel the depths of the emotional content, and the soul to be ennobled to new enriching heights of creativity. Highly supportive of helping other artists and reciprocating to further share performance venues in a non-competitive atmosphere that cultivates community and camaraderie internationally. Based in NYC, LA, and Europe.


I Have Confidence in Confidence

Written by Noelle Rose Andressen
Copyright 2017-2018 All rights reserved.

As a contemporary ballet dancer and Artistic Director of Rubans Rouges Dance, I often find myself helping others with bolstering their confidence, especially when it comes to performance.

Confidence is not necessarily a natural born character trait we may have. However, some believe that we’re all born with it and either circumstances or negative nurturing can tear it down. For those of us who for whatever the reason find themselves lacking in confidence here’s what I suggest:

1. Identify It. What is it in others that you admire about their confidence? Is it how they carry themselves in public, or how they speak? Look at what they do. Do they walk with their shoulders back and strong posture? Do they keep eye contact with those they’re connecting with?

2. Practice It. I have all my dancers do these things as exercises in the rehearsal hall: Walk with presence and your shoulders back making eye contact with your fellow dance partners and when needed look at the audience, don’t look down to the floor. You will never bring your audience in if you look away from them all the time.

3. Believe It. You can do all of the above but if you don’t believe it yourself or believe in yourself, you will not be able to convince others of it. Know that you are a valuable person that has much to offer the world. Place people around you that are nurturing that can help encourage you to believe in yourself.

Noelle Rose Andressen is an Emmy nominated writer-producer as well. She has authored several books including: DanceWarrior® and speaks publicly about overcoming Sexual Child Abuse, Breast Cancer and advocates for women and children.

Keeping Fit During the Holidays

Keeping Fit During the Holidays
written by Noelle Andressen, freelance health & fitness writer, film maker, former performer

The Holidays bring good tidings, fun with friends & family, and festive foods. Often the burden of unwanted pounds also attach to us in the most awkward places; namely our thighs, hips, waistlines. While I’m not going to tell you to starve yourself while others enjoy the fine delicacies, I will share some tips for you so you can keep fit during the holidays and also have fun.

  1. Smaller Portions. You’ve heard this millions of times but it is true. Keeping to smaller portions will show great kindness to your waistline.  
  2. Partition Your Plate. At a buffet, instead of loading up your plate with one or two of your favorite foods, visually partition your plate and place not only smaller portions but a variety of samplings.
  3. Take it in Stride. A brisk walk daily can keep you in fit shape and lower your stress. We often get caught up in the Holiday Grind of frantic shopping and holiday party hopping. Scheduling a stress-free time for yourself can clear your mind and keep your body from producing weight gaining toxins.
  4. Bottoms Up or Down. With festivities, alcohol surely accompanies. Belly fat can quickly compile as we go from celebration to celebration. A good tip is to not over-do it and choose to monitor your intake. Should you find that you went past your limit, doing yoga is a good way to get the accumulated toxins from alcohol to process through your system quicker. Downward Dog, plank pose, twist poses are very effective. Stay safe and never drink and drive. 
  5. Start Early. Start a week or two earlier with these discipline methods before the Holiday Festivities kick in.

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You may share this article or the video by means of sharing the link or quoting portions of this written expression citing Noelle Rose Andressen as the author. You do not have permission to glean from this content to create your own. If you the reader, should find portions of any of our written, digital, visual, audio expressions in/on other people’s blog, videos, or contect, please notify us immediately. Thank you for all our supporters who have flagged copyright infringement of our content. Copyright 1989-2017 All rights reserved. Thank you for respecting artistic expression and ownership. 

6 Ways to Un-Block “Brain Block”

For all you artists out there struggling

An essay of inspiration

by Noelle Rose Andressen (c) 2017

My name is Noelle Rose Andressen, a professional dancer-choreographer. Getting “brain-block” can be so frustrating especially when you have a deadline. Unfortunately, it happens upon occasion and usually when it’s most inconvenient.

Here are some of the creative ways I’ve overcome this:

1. Parks – Since my job is movement based, I go to where I can see other people moving like a park and watch kids playing, people walking, animals scurrying, and sometimes climbing a tree and feeling the wind blow and move through the leaves. Other people’s movements inspire me.

2. Viewing – Watching videos on YouTube is an a amazing source of inspiration for the arts. Never copy anyone, but you can certainly gain encouragement from other artist’s work.

3. Museums – Museums are such a fantastic way to take your mind off your blockage and carry you into another artist’s world. When I walk around, I particularly like to look for interactive objects that can be touched. The textures inspire different reactions and movement than what I would come up with in a studio in front of a mirror.

4. Headlines – When I get stuck not knowing what subject to base my dance on, I read the headlines in the news or biographical stories. Each one of us has a story to tell and we can gain such insight into other perspectives. These stories often lead to a subject matter in which to craft a dance piece.

5. Environment – Being in nature. For me the living earth is most inspirational and provides such creativity. I love to eat healthy so strolling through a grove is a wonderful way to satiate and help myself in more ways than one.

6. Hubby – There have been times when I just can’t find the right moves to start a dance. Nothing I try seems right and I find myself pacing across the floor with no inspiration. The last thing I do when all else fails, I ask my husband (who isn’t a dancer), to come up with the first dance phrase. He actually did this for my dance: Red Ribbons which gained critical acclaim and is an audience favorite. Who knew?

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Don’t let others write your history – 1 of 2

Facebook Live 9-8-2017 (copyright) 50:08
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reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or downloaded. The action(s) itself is copyright infringement. Thank you for respecting artistic expression and ownership.

“Don’t let others write your history”

Hello beautifuls & Beloveds. I was just on the other timeline. What are they called now? They’re not walls, timelines, pages? I don’t know at Rubans ROuges Dance, my dance company. I’m over here now. I needed to address you guys, it’s been a while since I’ve done a video on any of these so I’m addressing you guys and saying hello. Hi, what’s up? A lot going on this end…hold on. You know here’s hoping to the new iPhone, I didn’t have very much luck with the last one which is this one. It’s kinda wigging out more than the other ones. I don’t know, maybe it’s just getting old.

Ok so I’m promoting my book. I was told to promote my book for you guys, so here you go “From cancer to Dancer” It is the first volume in the DanceWarrior series and I’m most proud of that one because it tells the tale of my rehabilitation after cancer. And so many many of us are going to have to face cancer. Hey hi guys, thumbs up, appreciate it. Oh wait, hearts. Gotta give you guys hearts. Thanks. Thank you. What we have in humanity is a scourge. Cancer is a scourge and like I was saying we’re all gonna have to face it either we’re gonna get or we’re gonna know somebody very close to us. So it’s no longer “Oh yeah one of my friends has a great aunt who has cancer.” It’s not like that any more.  It’s like, “Hey, guys, I have cancer. hey my husband, my sister, my teacher.” You know? I’m not happy about that, but what can we do? Well we fight it with whatever we got to fight it with. You save your life. It doesn’t matter what treatment you get. Get something to help you to save your life. I support you.

You wanna get traditional, you wanna get experimental, you want to do holistic, you wanna do all chemicals, whatever it is, you save your life because you have so much value. And I wanna see your beautiful shining sunshine faces because you have a lot to offer humanity; you are here for a purpose and a reason; and you have gifts to bestow upon all us for all of us to take in and enjoy and to help celebrate life. You know? It’s just too short to do anything else. So guys with all due respect just do what you gotta do, but I wrote this book because this is something we’re all gonna have to face. And I want you guys to know it doesn’t have to be a death sentence. You can rebuild. And that’s what “DancerWarrior – From Cancer to Dancer” is. It’s how I rebuilt my life. Because…and this is in my book, where is it…hold on…it’somewhere in here. This is the newer version. This is…well any way, I can’t find it.

I really should’ve book marked it. I should’ve booked marked it, but I didn’t. But I talk about, this book is for people who want to be encouraged who may find themselves in their lives of, “Ok now what?” How many times have you gone through something harrowing and you’re like, “Oh crap. Now what do we do?” You could’ve been successful and triumphant which I was, which I was very much so, but then it’s like, “Dang what do we do now? Where do we go from here?” You’re fighting this intense, immense battle and it consumed you completely. For my sake, I almost died. And what do you do? How do you put your life back together after that? So I talk about how I did it and I talk about the people who helped me. I talk about the promises that you too can have so if you’re going through cancer you could
read this and say, “Oh wow, ok she got back to dancing.” And let me clarify this, my board wanted me to clarify this because too much has been going through the grapevine and you guys are 100 percent wrong. I write my history, not you.
History will prove anybody a liar if they’re lying. Right? If you’re not being truthful.
So, let me just straighten you guys out. Not my followers, my followers don’t even know what that is. But, it’s my colleagues who are very, some of them are just very self-deluded because they think that I just started dancing just a few years ago. And I’m like wow, then I’d be quite a phenom then really because nobody can dance as well as I dance in that short time. You need to put the time in. I started dancing when I was little. Any way, I was 3.5 years old when I first started taking ballet classes and you’ve seen my pictures, just scroll down, I have all the proof you want. You know. I started young and I went in and out of it, sure, but I have more experience as a dancer than I do with my film making.

A lot of my colleagues are pushing, “Oh she’s a film maker. She’s a film maker. I have my degrees in dance and film too, I have both. So, stop tripping guys. I love you, I know you love me but stop tripping on that. I think that’s an ego thing. Yeah. I do. My mentors some of them are just not happy that I grew as fast as I did. BUT, I’m just getting back to the path guys. Come on now, I’m just getting back to where I left off, really.

So you know, cancer will touch you somehow and you need to know that you can survive and thrive. So I’m gonna get back to my little “I was 3.5 when I started dancing” bit, hold on. I’m jumping around. See, my grandmother, my Nana. She died of cancer. My mom died 4 years later. I almost died. The women…it almost got me the little stinker.

So any way, I wanna tell you guys too, you have to…hold on, I wanna see if I can find a picture of when I was little…I posted it on this timeline somewhere. It’s probably down below. My Board posted somehting too. But I started dancing….get back to what I was talking about…I have ten thoughts in my head and I’m jumbled up here, hold on… I started when I was 3.5 and I performed when I was 4. Look at this…it’s my Nana. She was the dancer in the family and she wanted to raise a little dancer and it was me. My mom had ten left feet. It wasn’t gonna happen with her. But it happened with me, And here’s something you guys have to understand, that I came to you in 2007 with a broken body. I had absolutely nothing. I weighed…I don’t know I didn’t weigh close to my normal weight. I had no muscle mass. You can see in the earlier pictures, my early dance pictures, in 2007, they were like sticks, like string bean sticks, not even a ballerina’s thin, slender legs. I had nothing. It’s like my muscles atrophied or something. They didn’t obviously because I was able to fix them. It’s really really hard to go back to what you thought you lost. When I was sick, I was like, there’s no way, there’s no way. Absolutely no way. If you would’ve told me on my sick bed “Hey in only 2 years you’re gonna be taking a dance class again.” or something like that, In would’ve slapped you because, not really, but, because I would’ve called you a liar thinking there’s just no way. But “no”, there was a
way and I did it. I did it. I give god and people who helped me credit. But you need to know you can do it too. You’re not alone in this.

And this book is gonna prove that ot you. I love this book because not only is it my first book in the series and you tend to … I don’t wanna say you tend to love that more, but you have a different relationship with the first, whatever it is, right? because it is “the first”. And so it’ll always remain in your heart as the first. The first child, the first kiss, the dance, the first book in my case. Right? I really want to impart upon you that what …ok I started dancing when I was young. I had classical training, I did it for a while and got off that path and got back on it. I talk all about it in my book to set the record straight and to give you background, right? But I wanted to let you guys know that you can get back what you lost. It might look a little bit different, it might fit your body-your spiritual body-your physical body a little bit more, how can I say…just differently. And it will be perfect for that time.

So, modern dance, I do a lot of modern dance, I do a lot of contemporary, I do more modern than contemporary. But I do a lot of that now because I’m trying to tell stories. I’m trying to say, “Hey look, this is what I want to tell you” and I found out that modern dance was the best-est, for me, the best way-the most best way for me to share that story with you. And I’m not talking about gesturally standing there and gesture…I can’t even do it right now…lol…but I’m not talking like that. I’m talking about symbolic gesturing and you actually have to know a little bit about me and know a little bit about the history of gestures and symbols to actually know what I’m saying. And it’s explained in each dance too what each symbol means but it’s not like
we’re pantomiming/gestruing. Ok there’s is a difference. And I seemed to have figured out a way that works best for me and my audience to communicate. So
that’s what I do. I like doing it and I’m gonna continue doing it. But getting back to what I was saying about when I was 3.5 when I first started dancing, I have few mentors who are in a bit of denial and you need to stop. Because you’re just like…I don’t know what you’re trying to do. I’ll just leave that for you to figure out what you’re trying to do. But I write my story, not you. And you’re writing my story wrong. I didn’t come to you without any dance experience. I had that. I was being humble not telling you everything. I didn’t lie, but I didn’t tell you everything. Why? Because I know how it goes down. You want a mentor, you want somebody to help you, the first thing they’re gonna do is get defensive and get ego crazy and trip out because they wanna put you under them. I don’t mind being under somebody for a certain amount of time. There’s a care, there’s a shaping – I have a lot of great mentors that have been great. And I have some that are flying out of the coup going crazy. I don’t know what the h. they’re doing but it’s not right.

You know, there was coming a time when I was gonna have to lay the truth on them, not that I was lying but really to say “Look, this is what it is.” And it’s very hard to go back. I put myself in a community college – I put myself back under people who I was actually in some cases I was older and some cases I had more experience, and some cases it wasn’t that at all. They were a little bit older than me and they did have more experience. Anybody can mentor anybody. I mean I could’ve been under a 15 year old’s mentorship for a time – for a little bit of time with just getting back to basics. You know? And if there’s something there I wanna be humble enough to learn from you. So that’s what I did.

And it went well for a certain amount of time. And then when they realized, oh wait she’s getting too good. It wasn’t that I was getting too good, I was just getting back to where I was. I heard somebody say “Hey, have you noticed that Noelle’s technique had really grown?” And I was like, that was gonna happen anyway because my body was gonna get stronger. You know? And it’s a beautiful compliment, I love it and I thank you, MUAH! Lovely, but, it was also said with the pretense that I was just learning how to dance right then and they were all responsible for how I looked
because of them. Yes and No. Like I said, I already had the classical training. Was I a ballerina– No. Not even close but I had all of that. Was I doing all the steps right? I talk about the first time I put my hand on the ballet barre. It was in the fall of 2007 with a beautiful b-fly friend of mine. Yes–FRIEND.

And I was experiencing so much. I was freaking out. Why was I freaking out? Because it’s like flashback to when I was doing it and I was doing it better as a kid. Or as a you know young adult late teen. Right? And then I was like, “What is a tendu? What is the technique?” Don’t forget, my brain was fried. I had just had a serious fight for my life – almost died – and I had all these toxic chemicals running through my brain. My body was a string bean, I had no muscle mass and you don’t wanna screw up and look like an idiot in front of this beautiful new teacher you have, right? So my hand is all the way back here on the barre and I’m like…I know that’s not right. And then I can’t explain it but I couldn’t think, “Wait, you do know how to do this.”

Fear was all interwoven into that. Just all of that. It was really screwed up and I was a mess. I wasn’t even wearing (I go into all that too it’s so funny. You guys, if you are lovers of dance, you’re gonna laugh when you read it and say yeah, she was totally inappropriate.) I was wearing like a – not too much like a high midriff, but there was like about that much of my belly showing. We didn’t have any money guys. We sold our house and we just escaped. We went to the clinic and we put everything into a storage unit. We had a residence in, we had rented an apartment but there really was nothing there. It was just there to say that we still lived in the US We went to another country, I got my treatment….it was really hard. But we had very little.
I was able to salvage some pieces of furniture from a 4 bedroom home. I go into all of that in my book.

And I tell you, the guilt still feel on my heart because our son doesn’t have that beautiful home. It would’ve been left to him. That would’ve been his security, it would’ve been our security. To save my life. You know, it’s really hard to swallow. It really is. But, non the less it is my reality and I have to live in it. We’ve rebuilt and everything since then and it’s fine, right? And it took time, but it’ll help you as a veiwer of my dances, as a reader of my books, as a participant when I’m doing these videos. Hey hi, glad you’re here thank you for stopping by. I hope I say something that encourages you. But it’s really hard to not feel guilty because I know it impacts my family so much. And my family means the most to me and it should if you have a family mean the most to you as well, it’s normal. Even above the arts and everything
I do. God – family – then the ministry and everything after that. And it’s really important to know when I share this stuff, to know that you can overcome this. You
know you can be a warrior too. There’s no reason why you can’t. You have a good support group. It doesn’t have to be large, it just needs to be one other person. I share that in here and let me get back to the whole thing with my mentors and everything. It was really hard for me, I don’t wanna say I had to swallow my pride, it wasn’t that big of a deal , I kinda go into depth in my book about it, but these were loving, beautiful, people who wanted to bestow stuff onto me. The training and the arts and I was honest and I said “Hey I’m a cancer survivor and I’m rebuilding my body.” But I didn’t tell them, “Oh by the way I danced kinda semi professionally..”
I mean I was on professional stages, Bob Hope McCallum – profesional to me, right? Beautiful-huge. You ever go there? Oh my gosh they have tiers of the balcony and everything, it’s gorgeous. Oh my gosh. I was spoiled when I was younger let me tell you something. But yeah…right?

I didn’t want to put them in a place, so any of my mentors listening, hear it from me and so and so said. (That’s on my book cover, Red Ribbons {gestures more} this is in honor and tribute to another mentor I have. She put it in her dance. “Talk talk talk all you want”…so I use that now as a gesture. I love her. Ok. So anyway, I couldn’t, I know how things go, I’m not stupid. If somebody would come up to me saying ok I have all this experience and this, help me rebuild my body, I would be a little different, I don’t know – I would maybe help. I would maybe help. It would be deifferent if somebody said “I had cancer and I really don’t have a lot of experience.”
I’d want to help them more. I don’t know why it works that way. So I didn’t want to put them ill at ease and yet I knew I had to get my body back together. And I knew that the only way I could do it with the money we had because then community college was really cheap, now it’s so inexpensive but then it was. Ten years ago…yeah ten years ago. So I took advantage not in a bad way, I didn’t like use anybody, or use something badly. I gave back in 100 fold. What do you need, do you need the floors clean, do you need me to move the barres, and I did these
things. Becaue I felt like that was a way to say thank you and to earn my way. Right?
And, I was raised right so I did these things.

And, so my story when I’m telling you guys this, like I said I go into depth aobut it, I didn’t want to put these people on alert, I didn’t want them to feel insecure, but something happened along the way where my old technique and my fear…my fear subsided and my old technqiue, one washed out the other, my technique, the brilliance in the choreography, and the no fear, it just and then the fear was gone it was a distant memory. Then I really started to shine and that’s when I started seeing the problems. Big time. And then I’m like “oh crap.” But I’m not going to become less a person. Like my grandmother used to say that, “Don’t be afraid to shine because
of those feeling like they’re mediocre or they’ll fear mediocrity if you shine.” So it’s like, it’s just too bad. I never rubbed it in anybody’s face, I always pulled everybody along with me. I said, “How can I help you?” That’s how you do that but we don’t live in that kind of a society any more.

SO, anyway, that’s what I did. And I got to a point where I look really really ridiculously young for my age, sometimes my voice even sounds like that depends on what kind of a recording device I use. And I have a very young, free, disposition and spirit so people equate that to youth and they equate that to “You’re under me.” and I’m like, “Actually, we’re almost the same age so – no. Actually, I’m older than you by 15 years so – no. Actually, I’ve been dancing since I was 3.5 and I have almost 40 years of dance experience so – no.” You know how do you break the news like that to somebody that you love and you think that they love you and you don’t want them
to feel deceived, or threatened even more or hurt. It’s not a good place to be so what do you do? You slowly break it to them or in my case I just had to…because people just started getting a little too “Noelle you’re gonna do this.” I’m like, “Actually, you don’t get to tell me what to do because I’m more than a grown woman with more experience than you so I don’t think you’re going to do that.” And you try to do it nicely, and you do it nicely, and then eventually I’m like “Ok, you gotta stop the crap right now.” And then they see ferocious me come out and they’re like “Oh my god she’s so…” and I’m like, “Oh my god you’re so…how dare you tell me what to do.” That’s sick. I don’t tell you what to do. I help you. I say what do you want to do? YOu wanna advertise your festival? You know what? I won’t even charge you put it on back of our flyers.

Do you approve this, is the color good? “yeah yeah yeah.” Ok we did that for the
longest time, for the longest time. Come on now. So there comes a time and then all of a sudden you’re no longer their protege and their pet, you’ve become a threat to them. Even though I’m not threatening them, they are insecure and they will see it that way. Now this is not every single one of my mentors, at all–at all. Just a few of them. I’m like, “Guys don’t sell out for the dance, don’t sell out for the credit, don’t sell out for the money. Don’t sell me out.” And my Board knows, I know, we know what’s happening, right? So some of this is in my book and what I’ve gone through. All of it how I rebuilt my body, and then how I was saying this is for the person who is like “Ok I did all of this, now what?” You will go through this “So now what?” Phase many times in your life. It’s just not after cancer, it’s not just after a horrible hurricane, 2 of them 3 of them now, right? God bless those people.

I’ll get to that in a second too, So now what? So now what? I’m telling you, and you read my book and you’ll see what I did. You’re not goping to be able to do the same thing I did. Because the stars are not aligned in the same way for everybody. Everything changes. You know you could be going down this road, and in one second if you were right behind me or along side of me, in one second something could happen and all of a sudden we’re doing two different things. How’s that happen? Nobody can repeat somebody else’s steps exactly the same and have the same outcome; because we are living and breathing human beings, the world is living and breathing, and things they change. You can’t control everybody and everything. No matter what we like to think. Right?

Trophy Rack of Evil

Trophy Rack of Evil 11-25-15


What I just posted is an excerpt that was deleted from the film Alien. When was that 78
late 70s early 80s. Our favorite Sigourney Weaver is the survior, the sole survivor of this film and as you know she goes on to have many more adventures if you want to call it that with the Xenomorph aliens and the whole corruption of the company it’s very intriguing stuff. But you know art and this expression of corporate america and even things that go along in the school systems, businesses, other work places, it’s pretty much what happens, it’s all corrupt somewhere somehow, it’s not perfect.

What I find interesting is what I found out and what I see in this particular scene I think there are a myriad of things that can remind us of something. To me that entire wall cause what it is: she’s on the floor standing, then up higher along the whole perimeter of the wall is the Xenomorph secretion and essentially cocoons that embody these human beings. These cocoons hold — it’s like sautering, instead of being metal on metal it’s like organic substance on organic substance holding them against the wall.

It’s like to me a rack. There are gun racks, trophy racks, award racks, there are so many kinds of racks, costume racks. To me this is a trophy rack. Not necessarily a good thing and these are my accomplishments. It’s flipped around to be the enemy and the “bad guys” accomplishments. See how a trophy rack can be for good or bad either way. Ok bare with me. So we have a trophy rack of people all along the wall.  Kinda creepy. Beautiful in its own way because if you look at Gieger’s artistry, he created the Xenomorph and all the intricasies about how it was shaped. it’s very beautiful but it’s evil.

Evil can be beautiful but not really. Because can evil be really beautiful? I look at the shapes and the shapes have an aestetic that’s appealing but it’s so macarbe but yet it’s beautiful but because of the  underlying statement, I don’t know if beauty is the right word to use for it. I don’t know if evil deserves that word beauty to describe it. But I think you know what I’m trying to say. SO we have this symbolism there but all along that wall are human beings that were used facilitated as hosts. THose who don’t understand the Alien film or have never seen it, I find it hard to believe but there are people who haven’t seen it, I get it it’s very dark and grim, it’s kinda scary. I have a hard time watching it now.

But the whole thing about the Xenomorph, they would find human bodies to act as hosts to impregnate the human’ being with more offspring. It’s sick and demented and you give birth by having this thing sprout out from your chest–bursts open. A very painful way to go granted and pretty dark and twisted but a great film.  So now this trophy rack, let’s drive it home, sure it’s a sci-fi movie, but don’t you understand? What do we do to one another and we are trying to climb the ladder of success? Well we can do it honorably, meaning we don’t tear people down, we work in collaborative efforts and we help one another within reason, I mean you don’t want to sign away everything
you’ve paid for and you worked for but within reason, at least try not to purposely destroy people. That’s kind uncool.

So if you have this trophy rack and you have people climbing the ladder you also have people who are willing to sell their souls in the process. My asking price is this. Let’s just say your asking price is throwing them under the bus. Meaning you’ll lie about them, you’ll cheat, steal, whatever, against this one person. then you’ll go to somebody who is an authority over both you and that other person. One of the tactics to win is to be honorable and work hard and dont compete against that other person you just do your own thing, mind your own business work hard. Another way For those who don’t have skill or security within themselves, they will start to straw man this person, lie about this other person because they see this person as competition and as a threat. A lot of times More often than not that person will be gotten rid off. (flip off accident)

So you knock off this person and then the disresepctful person still stands because the person in authority is charmed or maybe they’re like that too. You have to have a really good leader to see through the b.s. I saw what you did I’m not going to tolerate it. Ive had people in my own dance company pull that with me or try to Im like, I caught you–no. I’m about being reputable I;m about being dont try to pull a fast one over on me either. People play these games. People within my own company. Im not saying the dancers I have now, this is a while back. so, You have to be savvy.

I dont want people kissing my rear end and if people start playing these games with other people I step in I call they right out on the spot. That’s not going to work. I document everything and it goes to my board. so I wanna have a reputation of being integral some people dont want to have that reputation. And some people think they can get further quicker by doing it that way. No you wont. You might shoot up but somebody who is not gonna tollerate that crap is gonna shoot you down. so what happens is we have people that are not integral become part of this trophy rack on the wall when they sell their souls. The person who just sold out this one person,  doesn’t realize they’re climbing up a ladder, oh yeah, but they’re putting themselves up on that trophy wall.
When you do something that is evil and not integral that is what you’re doing, you’re selling your soul out and you’re gonna get caught.

It might take you a little while but you’re gonna come up against somebody who’s not gonna tollerate that stuff or you’re gonna come up against somebody who really wants to stay number one and they’re not integral at all and they will cut that other person down. So you get to a point when you’re climbing that ladder where you get tired of treating people that way or people are playing the game better than you and you’re screwed. So what do you do? The thing is: What is your salvation at that point? In the Aliens films, it was Ripley killing everybody. Which is sad. Putting them out of their misery. They were already dying. and she didn’t want to see them tortured. Did you see her face? She was so upset, she didn’t want to do that. It was a beautiful scene and they had to cut it out because it was too long but what a beautiful arc that her character had there. A what a beautiful insight and depth that was brough to Ripley. And showed her femininity,
and it showed her strength and it showed her courage and it showed her conflict it was so beautiful.

It was only 4 minutes but 4 mintues can really slow down the pace of a film. So I get why they cut it out had to make decisions like that before too. And you just put it on the dvd extended scenes and at least it’s still preserved it’s still your artistry right? So now we have this wall with all these people that are lined up that are cocooned and they
will meet their demise and their end, but do you see every time you give somebody something that is evil, you end up on their wall cocooned. Destined for horrible things to happen. Never sell yourself out like that ever. If people are doing good helping them, that’s a different story, that’s a good trophy rack.

And you’re not going to be lined up there getting ready to be disintegrated piece by piece with a very painful death ending up like these characters had. You’re going to be up on the trophy wall on a mantle to hold and fascilitate glory, and honor, and love, and peace, and not decrepitness, and evil deeds, and lying, and cheating and stealing. So you have 2 trophy racks, one that glorifies and one that destroys. It’s best to choose the one that glorifies because it lifts up the entire wall and make the other trophies look more beautiful. The one that’s filled with decay and demise brings everything down. Evil begets evil; good begets good. And when the two conflict, like so, good will always win.

It might not win that moment, there might be several skirmishes or battles in order to win the war, but it will win ultimately. There is justice. always justice, it brings everything back to center. SOme people just give in, I’m no good, this is just me, I’m here. And I have to say, do you realize what you’re saying? You’re resigning to the fact that you think you’re evil and bad and you deserve to be on this wall, this trophy rack for evil – no! A pure repentent beautiful heart will get you off of that evil trophy rack and bring you a immediately here. There’s a chasm between the two. And it’s grace.

It’s grace. Between this wall which is evil and this wall which is good. There’s a chasm and you walk along the chasm and it’s grace. It’s covered for you. It is the only way. It’s grace. That is how we get saved. And then once you’re here, on this trophy rack there is never going back. You are always eternally here. So, you can apply this whole thing that I said on a spiritual level, a physical level, metaphoric level, you can apply to business structures you can apply it to pretty much anything, anything you want. It’s in a section
an excerpt in one of my books.

It’s copyright (protected) I have to clarify that because all of a sudden
people say, “OOOh I like that. Let me take that and steal from her.” I have people stealing my ideas all the time and my actual words and things from things that are published. It’s hilarious when I get to get an attorney to write them a letter and say “Excuse me?” So you know don’t do it, I will nab you on that because I worked hard for this. God entrusted me with this not you. If He had something to say to you, he’s gonna say it to you and it’s not gonna reflect me, it’s gonna reflect you. I have a teacher who actually thinks that she came up with certain stories You’re repeating a story from my life and you’re trying to act like it’s yours; a little crazy. This person already put themselves on up on this trophy rack. They need to walk the line of grace. They don’t deserve this trophy rack, they deserve this one. THe one with goodness, and light, and peace, and patience, and love, and respect, truth, honesty. This one will only lead to demise.

And that is the thing about the law of nature. Evil begets evil and good begets good. What happens on the side of evil; you have all these people who are on this side they’re still tearing each other down even while they’re dying. They want to survive. They want to live. They don’t want to be disintegrated even though that they know they’re going to be. These pepole here, they have life and they will live. And they help lift each other up and they grow, and they grow, and they grow. The light gets bigger. And here, there is no light and it gets darker, and darker, and darker because it’s void of any goodness. I mean why do you think that goodness is always affiliated with things that are light? And evil is always affiliated with things of darkness? Can you think of anything about the trophy rack because you had some good insigt?

Injury that keeps on giving. It’s much improved on other days but not today. Sorry guys, it’s just the reality of a dancer that is injured. Anyhow, but do you understand what I am saying. I hope so. I don’t want to say enjoy the clip because of how I of how I present my ideas that I got from it, but do enjoy the clip because there’s so much beauty you can find. Look at Ripley’s character and the nobility of it; there’s a love relationship between her and Dallas. Dallas is the captain. Isn’t that Tom Skerrit? I forget. It just really hurts sometimes. Take what you can from it, but find beauty in it. I found some beauty in it. But there’s also some horror in it and that’s the way it’s gonna be in this world until this
world passes, right? If you have any questions about of why and how I came up with this, or if you wanna buy my book, I’m gonna have it re-issued probably next year or the year after–soon. I just think people, a new generation of people would get a lot from it. If I think of anything else I’ll make another video. That’s all-thanks. Bye.


The Night Pride Sunk a Ship

The Night Pride Sunk A Ship 4-21-16 26:35


That was pretty profound, that was pretty scary. If I read that correctly they were gonna use that for the video game. What do you think about that?

Depends if it’s free or not. Even then it’s still kinda strange.

Yeah…I know. I mean, I’m fascinated by it. Who isn’t? That’s a huge ship that went down and you know…but making money off things like that, that’s somebody’s death and somebody’s horror. Like that whole 911 thing and probably it’s not gonna pick up the light well…little better. You ok?

Yeah…we can switch out and I can hold it too. Yeah, I just have a problem with making money off of something like that. don’t you?


It should be sacred.


And it’s not like they can give money to the victims families, or something cause I think a lot of them have come and gone so what is the point of it all then? It just seems kinda odd. And if they’re making a video game I dont undestand that, to me that doesn’t seem right. I think that’s what I read, maybe I have to read it again cause I might have misunderstood that completely. But let the dead bury the dead. It means let it rest, the dead are dead let that stay, keep it sacred.

Let’s see. I’m not sure if anyone knows why that happened with the boat sinking. As far as I could tell it was about, they decided they wanted to try to make headlines and they pushed the boat too fast and then they couldn’t slow down and they hit the iceberg. And the next problem was they were not set up to deal with a situation like that. They didn’t have enough lifeboats because they wanted to fit more people or something.

well they didn’t want to take up room and …. vanity. They wanted it to look prettier and I dont get it. We watched the video, we couldn’t watch the whole thing. Kinda skipped a little here and there. But it gets a little dicey around an hour and 50 minutes-ish. It’s interesting because you can watch it on the outside and it looks very calm and peaceful. As opposed to what James Cameron did with the film. Right? He made that whip right out there within 45-50 mintues and it actually took about 2.5 hours for the whole sinking process. And it looks so placid and calm and there’s like hundreds thousands, like 15/1600 lives that are trapped or not allowed to escape and
from the outside it looks so different and you dont see what’s going on on the inside. All the turmoil. So they cut to the inside, they didnt see the dinning room and the grand staircase fill up with the water and Im like wow, so much tragedy happening on the inside which reminds me of a special little bfly friend. What she puts up on the outside versus what’s going on on the inside could be totally different.


But dont sink bfly. Use this as an anology. Watch it, especially the last half an hour or so. You can skip a little bit. The last ten minutes definitely watch because that’s it was talking about imploding. You can hear it sinking apparently. Even after you couldn’t see it on the surface any more sinking into oblivion and darkness ….bfly that’s not where you’re supposed to go…a life preserver weird how this kinda came full circle-ish tonight. Full circle huh?…sorry. Im dropping the hints now.  I saw that today which they obviously got. you got them watching my video hinting at the full circle to you. go it…the circle is not that, circle–not done it hasn’t come full circle yet. There’s this big gaping whole. They only person that’s gonna bring this full circle is JC and that hasn’t happened yet. Just fyi. But me too in my carnal sense it all ,,,not even full circle, not even finished yet. Too much undone unsaid.

Ok so anyway, getting back to the Titanic thing, this is just an amazing video but if it’s used for gain profit and stuff, I have a problem with that. I think it’s an ethics thing, I dont think that people should be allowed to do, to do that; make profit off of somebody’s death and tragedy like that. I’m like that’s wrong…don’t you think?


But it’s really interesting to see how intenese it was getting inside from the outside, it slowly sinks from the outside. People can slowly witness it. And it’s like a drowning. You know when you were drowning it was very peaceful, no splashing, no sounds, if I didn’t say anything, you would’ve died. I would’ve jumped in and got you somehow, I don’t care if it even cost me my life, I would’ve gotten you. But it was so peaceful….and um…it was just so amazing. It’s the drowning of a ship. And it was pride that sunk the ship. Im so convinced of it, you guys might have a difference of opinions, which is fine and it’s all pretty much valid. But looking at the facts, looking at the eye witnesses, the testimonies
and the people who created this ship, and the money. It’s always about the f’n money. Which reminds me of a certain other place.


Lives, 1500 lives were lost because they were worried about something else other than human life. They wanted to look good, the elites, elitism. I love how Cameron took that opportunity to talk about the social classes and the discrepancies and everything. It’s always the elitists seems like ends up killing people. You notice that? Yeah, yeah….What is that saying?

It says they’re crazy.

They’re prideful. Very prideful. Before L. fell he went insane. he thought he was better than god. and he went crazy. So you know…there’s a problem there. All sin in humanity mimics the pride of S. and is downfall and his sin and his arrogance, his all of it, his greed his lust his want. Anybody that follows god mimics the fruit of the spirit good godly traits. But yeah, I think it was the sin of pride that sunk that ship…the sin of pride. Obviously it was not a good thing who could say it was. Some say it was human error, no let’s call a spade a spade, it was pride it was sin, greed too big time greed. People want money, want money, want money. Well what would you do? Would you do this? Most of us I would hope would say no. What would you do? And would you cost people’s lives? Yeah..Would you build a house out of glass in earthquake country and maybe cut some corners, knowing that maybe their children, elderly, whoever, maybe you have a big house, maybe it’s a community house.


Themselves, thinking oh pretty, pretty, pretty, oh we can make these cuts, short cuts, you know, shave off some of the money and the expenses. Sure that’s being wise with your budget, thinking Ah even god cant sink this ship even god cant bring this building down. That’s what the people who built the Titanic thought. That’s what a lot of people thought with a lot of other things in our humanness in our world. And what happened, they were brought down, pride, why does everything have to be big. who says big is better?

All they had to blame were themselves. They decided to do it, and they asked for it.

Yeah they directly or indirectly murdered 1500 people, manslaughter people. Law suit-many. Too big a ship too small a rudder. They cut corners, saved money, get it faster. Well you’re not going to be able to stop this ship if it’s going that fast. Why build houses built of glass in earthquake country. Bfly pay attention. It is not wise. Brick …. the way it’s made. You’re turn… you know this consussion that I have, because I was trying so hard to be a team player today, I put my head down because of that it’s just shifted everything and my brain just…sigh…it’s very painful.

So yeah…let’s get comfortable. We’re just getting too hot. A nighttime butterfly. It’s a moth lol. Even the moths follow me it doesn’t fail lol.

So it’s very important for us to reflect on our history and our past. Because we cannot learn unless we stop and look. Ok so this video will hopefully serve that purpose. But I know people in modern day time and everything, they’re still building houses out of glass, they’re still trying to build the bigger better machine or whatever and then people die and then they’re suprised. Pride. It doesn’t need to big to be better. Who’s saying big is better. I dont understand this concept. You know? I mean, let’s roll it back a little bit. We have a huge vehicle, why? Because your dad was in an accident and it screwed up his spine and we’re like never again are we gonna have a small enough vehicle to screw us over physically. That’s rational, it’s protection. That makes sense. It’s not like we bought a L. which T. does the same thing. Im not saying if you buy all these things it’s bad, but you know, we saved money, it was frugal but we get the same thing if not better because these are very very safe vehicles.  T’s. they’re wonderful. You know, so, it’s safe. my poor little head lol…it’s beating me up lol. But um, but it kept us safe, right? So we weren’t buying it to be boastful or to be…we could’ve gotten a Hum. I think that would’ve been a mistake. We had the money we could’ve done that but we decided let’s just be humble, let’s be safe, we checked all the crash test ratings, and we thought this through very carefully. Now we were concerned about safety. That was the number one thing. Safety. It wasn’t all about the sports car, I mean we could’ve gotten whatever we wanted at that time, right? It wasn’t about that. It was totally about safety we were making wise choices, it looks cute, I mean it’s nice, I like it. Pain in the rear end to park but you know, cool, right? That was not happening with the RMS T. at all. Obviously because they have different classes; poor people you go down with the sewer rats, the rich people you can go here. hold on it’s not catching the light.

Classes…so obviously it wasn’t about getting people transported from one place to another. It was about showing off. It wasn’t about protecting, it wasn’t about — it was just done for the wrong reasons. And one thing led to another which led to another…and it was a catastrophe. 1300/1500 people — a lot of people died. I mean that’s catachlismic. It’s very 911 – esque. It’s another thing with the big  buildings, why do we need that. I dont understand the necessity. Well, LI, Man, everything is built up. There’s no place to build out. We save room that way. Could we and can we do certain things, sure. BUt should we needs to be in play, right? Am I asking the right question and phrasing it the right way? Yes. Can we … well sure we can build a tower from here until up we wanna do, g put that down the tower of b. check it out. Read the bible right? Could we? Can we? well g even deemed it, yeah you guys can do anything you want obviousy. We have great minds, we’re over achievers, we work hard. Always have to ask, should we? yeah. We can go into outter space, cool but should we? We could do “this” but should we? Count the cost before you leap. What are possible consequences and then sometimes things happen and we can’t imagine what would happen, you know? You can only do so much but when you are knowingly cutting your budget, being greedy, being mindless, being someone who’s not thinking about other people catastrophe happens. On a smaller scale/larger scale, there’s everything in between too. What are your thoughts?

They were foolish. And people are just going to do the same thing over and over.

Why do you think this happens? Why dont we learn?

I dont know. sinful people? That’s all.


I just dont know and I’ve made mistakes too but…glass houses, I’m telling you. When I first heard Im thinking this isn’t going to go down well. Beautiful, intelligent, creative, lovely in everway, visual eye candy. But let’s stop and think, earthquake country, is it really worth it to test the gods, nature, or whatever you want to call it, is it really wise? I dont think so. I dont know if this actually happened, but JC put it in the Titanic movie “even god himself cannot sink this ship.” then later on that came full circle by that other guy saying, “She’s made of iron sir, I assure you, she will sink.” Right to  the bottom. You wanna build glass houses, live in glass houses in earthquake country. Not you… lol…you like “se” in Spanish, it means collective/generally speaking. You meaning general not specifically person. I gave a heads up I personally warned. An Im like that’s not smart, dont do it. Oh but it passes this inspection/that inspection. And Im like ok. All these other buildings & freeways that came down passed inspections too. Are earthquakes changing? No, So you made structures safer and safer, that’s not the only thing you gotta worry about here. I dont know how else to explain it, I dont know how else to help with that. You can only do so much with that, right? But why is it that people they lust after money, they lust after position, and they dont care whom they hurt to do whatever it is they gotta do?

I dont know.

And then greed. A justification has to happen in somebody’s head to make this stuff ok. It has to. Oh no, it’ll be ok, oh no that’ll never happen, and it does. It might not happen right away, it may take a long time, but it does happen. And it’s unfortunate, tragic and sad, and innocent lives are lost or harmed. People really really need to wake up here what’s going on. Bfly be careful. I dont know what else it is that you may have gotten yourself trapped in, but maybe my words come 15-20 years too late, that’s nobody’s fault, I certainly dont have anything to be blaming myself for but maybe the watchman came too late or look back maybe there were others that came before me that said before for you too may be on a sinking ship. Very appropriate that we found this on the searches. It was just so random.


You were so insightful before and you had so much to say. And now you dont say anything.

I thought I said everything.

No there was something else. You were really on a roll. You had grapsed something I never thought of before with this and Im tyring to remember what it was and I’m trying to help you remember.

If they had not been prideful or if they had not pushed the ship to go faster, or if they had done at least one thing right all of that would not have happened.

Yeah…one thing.

Any one thing.

Same thing with the glass houses, if they would’ve done just one thing right. Personally,
I’d rather go for safety than aestetics Or headlines, or whatever else it is they think. Pray for the innocent what else can we do. All right Im hungry let’s go get food.

Sending the love. Goodnight.

Surviving Chrysalis

Surviving Chrysalis 12-9-15 19:38 copyright 2015 all rights reserved


Ok so when we had that little exhange…and what was really interesting was, Somebody posted, on fb something that encouraged me. It said, “Some days it’s just hard, and if we don’t realize we cannot please everyone son as possible, we will waste our short life time stressed out and burned out when our window of opportunity to make a difference in another’s life whom really could use it and wants it is fleeting by! Just do  what it takes with whatever pain or feed back you get, you will never regret it! A changed life and renewed mind and spirit is always worth the rejection and trouble others may push on you, especially when they were added to the kingdom.” (kingdom of god) by TJ So it was really weird because that whole exchange happened and then I received that.  So what is this saying, this is encouraging me to not give up. Ultimately what it’s doing.

And then this was about 2 weeks later and I got this beautiful thing, sent to me and I’m
giving credit to who actually made this, it’s by Phil Goodlife. And that’s not who sent
it to me. It says, “Your time as a caterpillar ahs expired you wings are ready.” So to me
that said, ok it’s done, come on previous caterpillar come out your butterfly wings are ready so fly and no, this person didn’t fly. What I failed to realize was that…


Surviving Chrysalis MEME1.png

Just because somebody’s wings are ready, does not mean that they’re gonna fly…they’re not ready to come out of chrysalis at all. We had butterflies, we raised them. We saw how that goes and if they’re not ready to spread their wings yet, they’re not going to. Oh but you can see their beautiful wings that’s just so frustrating, you’re like omg you’re so beautiful look at you I can see your wings. you know the chrysalis is transparent in most cases. So when I got that, Oh birthing time. No what it meant was this person was in their chrysalis. And what confirmed that for me that I was an amazing play that I saw in 2014.

And then I see this, lord what does this mean. I just want answers, I always
want answers. So I was looking and looking and I had no idea what is my answer. It was
in a play I saw, and this other person was there and it kinda freaked me it was so funny. But this person was talking about god and all these wonderful things. But this was also included in my program. And if Im not mistaken this was what they were talking about, we had arrived a little late so I had missed seeing my mentor’s piece they switched it around. Look at all these butterflies, so I see all these butterflies and that’s a sign for me I saw all these bflies when my mom died she went to heaven.

So Surviving Chrysalis. So then I put 2 and 2 together, Im like, no duh, this person isn’t born yet,  they have their wings but they cant fly yet because they’re still in chrysallis, they kinda have to you know, inside the womb and if you take a chicken out of the oven before it’s done cooking you have a raw chicken and they aint ready to deal with anything. Well a chicken isnt going to  deal with too much if you put it inside an over you’re gonna eat it so…are you laughing, I just realized that whole metaphor and analogy and example is kinda looney tunes so…but what Im  saying is that every time I get these little symbols and signs Im like holy mother of god, when is this gonna finally be over. Because it’s hard on my end too. Im not doing anything wrong. But then I also got this beautiful email.

Now back it up, this goes before the Chrysalis play. This was November 11 2013 and I’m like, “So I’m going to be late coming to class because I’m doing another show.” Oh, this… I don’t know what this is. I don’t know. I was doing something else. And I was going to be late getting there. Oh now I remember. I was doing storm and I had this really intense makeup. Think Black Swan. I wasn’t copying Black Swan. Denise wanted me to do something really diffrent. People thought I was afraid to use makeup on my face or something like that. And she was like, “Let’s break the mold.” And I was like, “Okay sure.” I’ve worn crazy makeup before. I’m not vain or something like that. I don’t care. But she wanted me to try something new and exciting. SHe was like, “I got to see this.” And I said, Okay, I do to.” And I was going from that dress runthrough. And I had all of this intense makeup on. And that black makeup was supposed to be… I forgot which eye. I had it down so perfectly after awhile. Black thorns, like a mask coroding this person’s soul and taking over. Or you could also see it as goodness taking over and shrinking it. Either way it works. And it was called storm. One of the best solos I’ve ever done. I loved that. It was just vary strong, beautiful. And I wore my hair up back like this and most people don’t see me doing that and they’re like, Oh Noelle just dances with her hair. I don’t dance with my hair, what the hell is this? I don’t do that. I never did. So about this. I got this beautiful eamil in return. It was so nice. It was like, “Noelle, it’s no problem for you to be late on Thursday. Come on in as soon you are able.” And I got the comma and I got really nice response. So I’m like “Okay so what happened?” What made that response happen. I was like “Okay that sounds nice lets just keep doing that. Cause I’m not one for drama. I flipping hate it. And its not conduceive to my health at all. So then I was like what’s going on here? What just happened. And I’m like…Ohhh. I guess that email that I just read to you guys ….that was done and that might impressed upon her that I wasn’t trying to do something evil to her.

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So I have questions, why is everything ok one day and not ok the next day. Oww-yay! You know from time to time I don’t know what the hell’s going on. So it’s instability and confusion and that comes from the enemy because all darkness comes from the pits of hell so I’m like ok, I need to ground myself because I know Im a person and believer in the lord so Im just gonna be loving and maintain my status quo. Eventhough I kinda go like this (gestures) you know when crazy people around you are going crazy it’s hard to keep being that strong person. So then I try and I try acting even more subdue and even more subdued, because when you have someone around you going crazy, the last thing you need to do is shoot up there with them. Just keep going and speak softer and softer. You don’t do it to get a rise out of them so they hate you or anything like that or not instigating anything; but you’re staying calm. So I have all these questions, it’s like some nights it’s ok and the next night it’s not. I don’t change, I’m the same person yesterday, today and tomorrow. I don’t know, I just don’t understand it. So anyway, I kinda thought when I heard your wings are ready, your wings are ready I’m like, ok go. Go–be…flying. Go do your thing spread those wings so I can go. Be the beautiful butterfly you were supposed to be please already. And so you know that was my impatience. I never let on I don’t think to that other person; you don’t want other people to know that you’re being impatient about developing. So I kinda just had to just chill and step back and separate myself. It was frustrating, very hard, Im like really already lord, what is it that Im not doing? Or is it just taking this long because this is how long it’s supposed to take? So now Im at the point c’est le vie. I cant do any more. I have done everything possible. I have loved beyond everything I know to do. I have…I can’t do anything more. And now Im at a place where I dont trust this person and I think this person is gonna sell me up the river and now I have the other people that were drug into this thanks to this person. Now I have to try to figure out how in the world do I protect A the person who does not like me and hates me and wants to see me dead and then how do I also protect myself? And then how do I also stand up for myself…you know what, it’s a hot bloody mess. This is a job for Superman. Or Super JC. Ok? This goes beyond my understanding at this point. And the more I try to figure out the harder it is for me to understand. All I know is that I need to not be crazy, I need to be very honest and truthful and report the facts as I see them. Not how I feel about them. Facts as I see them. And maybe someday this will all be explained to me. This isn’t even the half of it. I couldn’t have printed upo all those emails. Cause no joke. It was 8 inches of information. So it’s an inch a year. That’s nuts. It would make flipping hell of a book. My life. Amazing. A part of it is already in the silent rose and it’s so beautiful. But all this other stuff a- I’m in so much pain. that adds colors to it and the reasons why, I mean, this person probably has more information than I do which is totally unfair. Cause A, if they heard any of these things, they already have more information than I do because I’m being upfront and honest and saying, this is my commentary adn this is what I think is going on. And then they get to know my feelings. But I don’t get to know their feelings, their commentary, all I know is that I get treated by a piece of shit for no reason. So I’m like okay, are they reacting because they saw something and it’s the reality then? Or are they seeing something 3 days late and that’s not the reality any more and they’re catching up? Or maybe they’re not watching any of my videos at all and it’s just one big dmn coincidence. Or maybegod’s working on their hearts and I need to be patient. I dont know. This is where I guess and hope that somebody – somewhere – someday – is going to put all these broken pieces, they’re like shards that are like finite dust at this point in my life – to me I dont see how in tarnation any of this can be made sense of any more. You know, although I do think that Stepford Wives analogy that I gave that one time….is not too far from the truth. And because knowing….

Im getting nervous, do you see this? I used to play with my nightgown ribbons when I was a little girl because I would get nervous that somebody would come in and harm me. See, that’s what that abuse did to me. And now, when I get nervous, I start playing with things with my hands and freaking out. Im very nervous about this whole thing. Because a) I don’t want this other person to get hurt. I don’t wanna get hurt any more – Im kinda done with that and I kinda know my threshhold and really that’s about it. And I have no idea what’s going on and it’s so frustrating becuse I think a conversation could clear up a heck of a lot of stuff and I was threatened …I dont want this person to get fired. I cant even say. And dont worry about my well being, I’ll protect myself but Im more concerned about this other person’s well being but I have to protect myself and then I cant make it look like I care about this person because I get attacked even more and so does this other person. Now that is sick. That’s even more sick than what this person did to me. And if you think about this: “you cant be their friend”…how old do you think I am? Im not 2 trying to make some pre-school friend here. These people are lunatics. Im telling you. And if you get trapped up in their world and definitions, and their way of thinking, then you’ve already lost. You have to say, “You guys are looney tunes…” just keep saying that. Alright Im probably not making any sense at all Im just trying to figure this out I’m freaking out. I was doing much better the other night when I was just surrenduring to god and worshipping him. Now that you got to see me freak out a little bit, and now you know why it’s so important for us to be yielded unto the HS so we can stay calm. I do yoga too which so helps. I cant do triangle pose now, there’s no triangle happening–this is so painful. Im not going to be able to take yoga this week. yep anyhow. It’ll all be very interesting and worth it in the end. I dont have turrets, I’m in pain and every time I move a certain way it’s just like this sharp hideous pain. It just goes right through. I just really need to be alone with the lord and I need to stop doing this because my anger is gonna show and its going to read wrong and if this person sees all these things, they’re going to think something horrible. That I hate them. I don’t. I think they hate me. Like, wat me dead hate me. and it didn’t help that people that were close to this one person, actually told me that. So what am I supposed to think. And then I have all these people telling me that. Like, yeah I do believe it now. Especailly after this person behaves this way. You injure me, falsely accuse me of these things that you missunderstand things, you hurt me, probably take thing away from me like I was your child. I don’t need a mother. I had a mother and it didn’t work out for me. What am I going to do? I don’t want a mother. And I’m not your child. You’re not supposed to disipline me. We don’t have that kind of relationship. It’s just really weird. I just don’t know what to do anymore. But it will be over in less than two weeks. And then I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I’m going to go be with the lord. I’m going to pray. Don’t any of you be discouraged like I said, I’m the raw thing…you’re gonna see me how I really am. There’s no pretense. Imnot gonna pretend that everything is ok Im not gonna pretend to do anything. What you’re getting is what it is. But be encouraged, know that I understand what it’s like to get frustrated and be put in a place where it’s like what in the hell is going on and you dont understand; obviously because I’m telling you…to have pieces and not know what kind of picture you’re making or that the lord’s making. Im just kinda winging it and Im like “ok”…gotta trust that’s all I know. And maybe I should take a muscle relaxer? Or something I’m a nervous wreck right now. Im in so much pain, this is getting my goat. Ok I love you guys I really really do. MUAH!Surviving Chrysalis MEME3.png